Yesterday I went through my Facebook photos in search of full length photos of myself to share on instagram and after scrolling through thousands of photos (literally) I could only find about 5. I was really disappointed with myself. I say I've been confident but really I haven't.
I might be overweight and a size 22, but I know how to dress for my size and I love fashion. I buy lots (too many) of cute dresses and I couldn't believe there weren't any photos of me wearing them. It's taken me close to two decades to feel comfortable in what I wear, and it's still a struggle sometimes.
In my late teens and early 20's I always wanted to look good but looking back I was uncomfortable in my skin, not feeling like I looked like everyone else. At the time, I didn't have friends who were any where near my size, so I felt like I stood out in whatever I was wearing. I told myself it didn't matter - because honestly, it didn't. We would go out and have fun, dance and drink the night away. They were my best friends, and still are - they didn't see size.
I met my husband when I was 22 and at my heaviest. I could write a bloody novel about all the things he taught me about acceptance and love, but it would be an awfully long read. Lets just say, he loved me for who I was. We were married at 23, and I spent the next 7yrs living in Canada with him. Oh Canada! You had shops that had plus size clothing and OPTIONS. Something I was not used to. I was on a major budget as we were pretty much dead broke (living off love as they say), but finally I could buy things that were made for my shape and my confidence in wearing clothes grew. I made friends with girls from work who were also plus size, I could finally actually go shopping with friends and go to the same stores and buy the same things. I grew to love fashion.
When I was pregnant with Aiden I started wearing dresses. I LOVE dresses but I always thought I looked like a house. While I was pregnant I just thought F*$^ it, I'm hot and huge and dresses are comfortable, and wouldn't you know it, I actually looked good! These days I wear dresses most of the summer, and some of the winter. I love vintage dresses, long, mid length, floral, patterned, polka dots - you name it I have it! The big difference is - now I OWN what I'm wearing. I know I am the size I am, but I still want to look good and there's no point in hiding away your shape. Hence my disappointment when I tried to find some photos of myself wearing said fabulous dresses, and they were few and far between.
So this stops today! I found this photo below of Aiden and I that Bill took, and I remember clearly asking him to come closer so that it was just waist up. He said no, you look great, and took the photo. Photos like this of me out doing things with my son are important, big bum and all. Because you know what? He doesn't see a big bum, he only sees a Mum he loves.