I’m not really sure what happened to me. Maybe it was that I’d hit rock bottom. Maybe my clothes were too tight on me for the last time. Maybe I was just really receptive that day. Maybe I had just had enough of feeling bad about myself. Like, really had enough.
‘That day’ is the day I had a little chat with my friend Alex. Something changed in me that day and the switch was flicked. Call me crazy, but I feel very different now to what I did three weeks ago. And it’s not that I look different (yet) but it’s how I feel that has changed dramatically.
Alex is a personal trainer, although I feel like that title doesn’t really do justice to what it is that he does. He works with people on their physical and mental wellbeing and is just an all round awesome guy. He owns his own gym in Auckland and is at the absolute top of his game. Let me tell you, when it comes to anything to do with the human body, he knows his shit. He is married to one of my close friends and I’ve known him a long time.
Three weeks ago I reached out to him wanting some help. HELP ME.
I didn’t scream it at him, but I may as well have. I was feeling pretty desperate and low.
So we had a conversation over facebook messenger, it was 8pm and he just asked me a lot of questions and this went on for almost 2 hrs. Seemingly random questions, but I’m going to bet this wasn’t his first rodeo. The questions ranged from what I was eating, how I was feeling, what I wanted, and where I was going. What did success look like to me? The order of these questions was not a mistake, I’m fairly sure of it. As the conversation went on, he asked me some hard questions about myself and before I knew it, I was crying answering them. I cried a lot that night. I'm not talking had a wee cry and then went on with my night. I ugly cried for a long time. I went to bed and showed Bill the messages, and then I cried some more. Something had really changed for me.
I LET GO.
I let go of all of the negative, all the hurt, all the guilt and all of the pain that I had been carrying with me behind my very big smile. I can tell you right now, it was freeing. It felt amazing. He said something so important to me that I wrote about in my first blog.
"You must forgive yourself and stop holding yourself to ransom".
I woke up the next day and I feel as I do today – VERY positive and wanting to make positive change and get back that balance I’ve been missing.
It’s been three weeks since that conversation, we have had a few more since, but it was that one night that made the difference for me. There is something to be said for being open and receptive – I’m sure said to me on another night in another mood I may not have had the same reaction.
I have changed a lot of habits which I thought would be hard, and haven’t been at all. I even did some things by accident, like stopped eating bread. I usually eat bread every single day, I’m a bread lover from way back. I’m not going to make bold statements like ‘I don’t eat bread now’ (lets not get crazy), I just haven’t in the past few weeks. I will again, I’m sure, but I know for me It’s not something I should have all the time, so I’ve made changes to turn it back into a sometimes food, not an all the time food.
For me the big change is this - I am done with quick fixes.I am done with doing things drastically and quickly and not being able to maintain them. I am done feeling guilty about food. Lets say this again and I want you to say it with me – I am done feeling guilty about food. I’m going to concentrate on making good choices and eating the best things for MY body, and trust me, I know it’s different for everyone.
So team, this post was to explain my big, sudden turn around. But really, it wasn’t that sudden, it’s been a LONG time coming.